Thursday, January 8, 2015
The id Post: The Healing Power of Vulnerability
The id Post: The Healing Power of Vulnerability: by Irene Daniel I was holding my little gray Kitten, Milagro (which means Miracle, in Spanish), as he purred and played with my fingers. A...
The Healing Power of Vulnerability
by Irene Daniel
I was holding my little gray Kitten, Milagro (which means Miracle, in Spanish), as he purred and played with my fingers. And I marveled at how completely vulnerable he is in my arms. He just melts like butter when loved and stroked. I wish I could do that.
I took a long drive the other day back to LA. I sure don't miss the traffic in the City of Angels. There is much that I don't miss there, not the least of which is my future ex-husband. On the way back home -- to Florence, AZ -- I thought about my impending divorce and realized that I had been postponing dealing with this emotional and financial morass; and realized that it was time to look at it and figure it all out. I used to do this for a living. Why can't I do this for me?
I don't want to think about him. Ever. Or us. Or 401(k)'s and lawyers and insurance. No fun. No fun at all. But thinking and writing and figuring out must be done. And crying and grieving, that must be done too. In fact, that has to come first; before moving on to the next indicated thing.
It's tempting to skip this part, this grieving; and to stay in the anger that we choose to believe empowers us, but in reality only robs us of the naked joy of our true humanity. At least that has been my experience. For it is difficult to feel entirely free and joyful when I am tied up in knots and seething. I've stayed too mad for too long and now I know that the only way past it is through the heart of it.
And that brings me to my hurt feelings and darkest fears. I don't like it here, don't want to be here. I would rather stay enraged and disconnected. I'm pretty good at it too; having spend half-a-century running away from pain and fear. And it almost killed me.
So here I am with this little gray kitten in my arms who was himself rescued from death by my neighbor and life-long friend, Olga Cathemer. She has known me for 50 years and loved me all through those 5 decades of running away from myself. She's rescued me so many times and now, once again, by rescuing this little kitten to give to me to take care of -- my Milagro, my newest teacher. My miracle.
You see, the first time I saw Milagro, he was a tiny little thing; all pelt and bone covered in gray fuzz, with his left eye swollen shut. He was barely alive. That's how I felt when I first got back to Florence. My left eye was no longer swollen from being punched by my future ex, but my arm was still in a sling from injuries to left shoulder, and the pain was killing me. I was broken, lost and afraid, just like Milagro. Now he is a chubby, fluffy, happy little kitty with 2 good eyes. We are both healing, although my resistence to facing my pain is holding me back from healing, at this point.
So, it's time to decide; and not to decide is to decide. I can stay in my anger, or I can cry. And feel. And hurt. And grieve. And then, and only then, I can let it all go. I used to think that merely acknowledging that I have feelings, and that I am in a painful place, would be enough to release me from the seductive grasp of anger. Now I know better. I have to actually feel. I can't just examine my feelings from a nice, safe distance. I have to invite them in and commune with them awhile. Then, as the caterpillar becomes the butterfly, the Divine Spirit that resides in us all, will turn that darkness to light.
Then I can be like Milagro -- true to my natural Spirit. And then I will be made whole. And then I can live again; or maybe, for the very first time.
Copyright 2015, Irene Daniel, All rights reserved.
I was holding my little gray Kitten, Milagro (which means Miracle, in Spanish), as he purred and played with my fingers. And I marveled at how completely vulnerable he is in my arms. He just melts like butter when loved and stroked. I wish I could do that.
I took a long drive the other day back to LA. I sure don't miss the traffic in the City of Angels. There is much that I don't miss there, not the least of which is my future ex-husband. On the way back home -- to Florence, AZ -- I thought about my impending divorce and realized that I had been postponing dealing with this emotional and financial morass; and realized that it was time to look at it and figure it all out. I used to do this for a living. Why can't I do this for me?
I don't want to think about him. Ever. Or us. Or 401(k)'s and lawyers and insurance. No fun. No fun at all. But thinking and writing and figuring out must be done. And crying and grieving, that must be done too. In fact, that has to come first; before moving on to the next indicated thing.
It's tempting to skip this part, this grieving; and to stay in the anger that we choose to believe empowers us, but in reality only robs us of the naked joy of our true humanity. At least that has been my experience. For it is difficult to feel entirely free and joyful when I am tied up in knots and seething. I've stayed too mad for too long and now I know that the only way past it is through the heart of it.
And that brings me to my hurt feelings and darkest fears. I don't like it here, don't want to be here. I would rather stay enraged and disconnected. I'm pretty good at it too; having spend half-a-century running away from pain and fear. And it almost killed me.
So here I am with this little gray kitten in my arms who was himself rescued from death by my neighbor and life-long friend, Olga Cathemer. She has known me for 50 years and loved me all through those 5 decades of running away from myself. She's rescued me so many times and now, once again, by rescuing this little kitten to give to me to take care of -- my Milagro, my newest teacher. My miracle.
You see, the first time I saw Milagro, he was a tiny little thing; all pelt and bone covered in gray fuzz, with his left eye swollen shut. He was barely alive. That's how I felt when I first got back to Florence. My left eye was no longer swollen from being punched by my future ex, but my arm was still in a sling from injuries to left shoulder, and the pain was killing me. I was broken, lost and afraid, just like Milagro. Now he is a chubby, fluffy, happy little kitty with 2 good eyes. We are both healing, although my resistence to facing my pain is holding me back from healing, at this point.
So, it's time to decide; and not to decide is to decide. I can stay in my anger, or I can cry. And feel. And hurt. And grieve. And then, and only then, I can let it all go. I used to think that merely acknowledging that I have feelings, and that I am in a painful place, would be enough to release me from the seductive grasp of anger. Now I know better. I have to actually feel. I can't just examine my feelings from a nice, safe distance. I have to invite them in and commune with them awhile. Then, as the caterpillar becomes the butterfly, the Divine Spirit that resides in us all, will turn that darkness to light.
Then I can be like Milagro -- true to my natural Spirit. And then I will be made whole. And then I can live again; or maybe, for the very first time.
Copyright 2015, Irene Daniel, All rights reserved.
Thursday, December 18, 2014
The id Post: My Christmas Gift to Everyone I Know
The id Post: My Christmas Gift to Everyone I Know: by Irene Daniel This year I am giving one gift to everyone! That's right. Just one gift for all of my friends and family. I made a d...
My Christmas Gift to Everyone I Know
by Irene Daniel
This year I am giving one gift to everyone! That's right. Just one gift for all of my friends and family.
I made a donation to the K.I.N.D. fund, a partnership between Lawrence O'Donnell of MSNBC's Last Word and UNICEF. K.I.N.D. stands for Kids In Need of Desks. The purpose of this fund is to purchase desks for children in Malawi, Africa, who do not presently have one -- at all. I purchased one desk on behalf of everyone that I love. And that is the extent of my Christmas shopping this year. (Except for the Brodylicious one.)
Not only am I broke, disorganized and short on time and other resources, I simply cannot participate in the greedfest the season has become. It has pretty much taken a lot of the fun out of Christmas for me. Moreover, I have essentially zero friends who are pining away for another little gadget to dust or figure out what to do with. In fact, most people I know are in a stage in life where, for whatever reason, they are downsizing and throwing out most of the junk from Christmases past that have already cluttered their living spaces for long enough. I know I don't need, or want, anything this year except to know that I am loved. And I know that now. So, I'm good. Please send me no cute little things. Cards and letters are always welcome, but spend no time, money and angst on me, because I hate waste. I'm sure you do too.
The real Spirit of Christmas is about giving where there is lack, where true need exists. Isn't that what the story of the Nativity is all about? A Spirit of giving that stems from a family in dire need? About opening our hearts and minds to a new way of seeing the world and one another? Well, that's what I want it to be about this year for me and mine.
I realize that "everyone" is a pretty big category, and some may feel less special because I have not singled them out for special attention. But those who love me and know me well are constantly made aware of how special they are to me because I tell them so every chance I get. And they know that I am struggling mightily with other priorities in my life, and so have no material expectations of me. So, this is my way of loving you all back.
My gift is to everyone. No exceptions. Even those with whom I disagree, or just plain dislike, have contributed something to my life. This is my expression of humble and loving thanks; not because I'm so good, but because that is what I believe Jesus would have me do, and what the gift of the Magi is all about.
That being said, there are some special people I feel a need to mention. So here goes:
Daniel and Brody Boise, my son and grandson;
David Daniel, my darling and sweet big brother;
The entire Cathemer family, and that's a lot of people;
The entire Celaya family, even bigger than the Cathemers;
The entire Boise-Geisler Clan;
The Pope-Schienle Clan;
My People of the Dog in LA;
All my old friends in southern California;
The entire town of Florence, AZ (my home sweet home);
And anyone else not on this list that I have loved, even if you hate me now.
That's about it for now. One week from today is Christmas Day, and I will be taking the day off and enjoying my Brodylicious grandson in Ft. Smith, Arkansas! And so, I wish you all a very Merry Christmas, a Happy Hanukka, a Sweet Solstice, Happy Kwanza, or whatever else makes you merry this time of year.
See you next year! Love, id
This year I am giving one gift to everyone! That's right. Just one gift for all of my friends and family.
I made a donation to the K.I.N.D. fund, a partnership between Lawrence O'Donnell of MSNBC's Last Word and UNICEF. K.I.N.D. stands for Kids In Need of Desks. The purpose of this fund is to purchase desks for children in Malawi, Africa, who do not presently have one -- at all. I purchased one desk on behalf of everyone that I love. And that is the extent of my Christmas shopping this year. (Except for the Brodylicious one.)
Not only am I broke, disorganized and short on time and other resources, I simply cannot participate in the greedfest the season has become. It has pretty much taken a lot of the fun out of Christmas for me. Moreover, I have essentially zero friends who are pining away for another little gadget to dust or figure out what to do with. In fact, most people I know are in a stage in life where, for whatever reason, they are downsizing and throwing out most of the junk from Christmases past that have already cluttered their living spaces for long enough. I know I don't need, or want, anything this year except to know that I am loved. And I know that now. So, I'm good. Please send me no cute little things. Cards and letters are always welcome, but spend no time, money and angst on me, because I hate waste. I'm sure you do too.
The real Spirit of Christmas is about giving where there is lack, where true need exists. Isn't that what the story of the Nativity is all about? A Spirit of giving that stems from a family in dire need? About opening our hearts and minds to a new way of seeing the world and one another? Well, that's what I want it to be about this year for me and mine.
I realize that "everyone" is a pretty big category, and some may feel less special because I have not singled them out for special attention. But those who love me and know me well are constantly made aware of how special they are to me because I tell them so every chance I get. And they know that I am struggling mightily with other priorities in my life, and so have no material expectations of me. So, this is my way of loving you all back.
My gift is to everyone. No exceptions. Even those with whom I disagree, or just plain dislike, have contributed something to my life. This is my expression of humble and loving thanks; not because I'm so good, but because that is what I believe Jesus would have me do, and what the gift of the Magi is all about.
That being said, there are some special people I feel a need to mention. So here goes:
Daniel and Brody Boise, my son and grandson;
David Daniel, my darling and sweet big brother;
The entire Cathemer family, and that's a lot of people;
The entire Celaya family, even bigger than the Cathemers;
The entire Boise-Geisler Clan;
The Pope-Schienle Clan;
My People of the Dog in LA;
All my old friends in southern California;
The entire town of Florence, AZ (my home sweet home);
And anyone else not on this list that I have loved, even if you hate me now.
That's about it for now. One week from today is Christmas Day, and I will be taking the day off and enjoying my Brodylicious grandson in Ft. Smith, Arkansas! And so, I wish you all a very Merry Christmas, a Happy Hanukka, a Sweet Solstice, Happy Kwanza, or whatever else makes you merry this time of year.
See you next year! Love, id
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
The id Post: My Christmas Gratitude List
The id Post: My Christmas Gratitude List: by Irene Daniel I anticipate being unavailable all day tomorrow, so rather than post a day late, I decided to post a day early this week. ...
My Christmas Gratitude List
by Irene Daniel
I anticipate being unavailable all day tomorrow, so rather than post a day late, I decided to post a day early this week. And I decided to publish a list of things for which I am the most grateful this Christmas season of 2014. It's harder for me to get myself into trouble when I am truly grateful.
So, here goes:
1. My one and only child, Daniel James Boise, who brings the greatest light to my heart;
2. My one and only grandson, Brody Atticus Boise, who is a genius; I just know it;
3. The fact that I get to spend this Christmas with my son and grandson in Fort Smith, AK;
4. Mahatma Magellan, the Magnificent, aka Maggie, my beautiful and loyal black Labrador;
5. Milagro, the Smokey Cat! My new little gray kitten who was rescued by my neighbor, Olga;
6. My neighbor, Olga Cathemer, who has been a friend of our family for over 50 years;
7. All my neighbors, in my new place of residence, my hometown of Florence, AZ;
8. All of the opportunities I have had in my life thanks to my US citizenship;
9. My family, those who are gone and those still around;
10. My home, our Daniel family homestead;
11. My memories, and all who visit me there;
12. And you, my readers and friends who support me and sometimes fight with me.
So, what about you? Are there a dozen things that you're grateful for today? I'm sure you can find something, even as the business of the season can make us all crazy.
Always remember to enjoy yourself! Give and receive love every day!
Until next week, id
Irene Daniel, Copyright 2014, All rights reserved
I anticipate being unavailable all day tomorrow, so rather than post a day late, I decided to post a day early this week. And I decided to publish a list of things for which I am the most grateful this Christmas season of 2014. It's harder for me to get myself into trouble when I am truly grateful.
So, here goes:
1. My one and only child, Daniel James Boise, who brings the greatest light to my heart;
2. My one and only grandson, Brody Atticus Boise, who is a genius; I just know it;
3. The fact that I get to spend this Christmas with my son and grandson in Fort Smith, AK;
4. Mahatma Magellan, the Magnificent, aka Maggie, my beautiful and loyal black Labrador;
5. Milagro, the Smokey Cat! My new little gray kitten who was rescued by my neighbor, Olga;
6. My neighbor, Olga Cathemer, who has been a friend of our family for over 50 years;
7. All my neighbors, in my new place of residence, my hometown of Florence, AZ;
8. All of the opportunities I have had in my life thanks to my US citizenship;
9. My family, those who are gone and those still around;
10. My home, our Daniel family homestead;
11. My memories, and all who visit me there;
12. And you, my readers and friends who support me and sometimes fight with me.
So, what about you? Are there a dozen things that you're grateful for today? I'm sure you can find something, even as the business of the season can make us all crazy.
Always remember to enjoy yourself! Give and receive love every day!
Until next week, id
Irene Daniel, Copyright 2014, All rights reserved
Thursday, December 4, 2014
The id Post: The id Post: Truth and Reconciliation: What if We ...
The id Post: The id Post: Truth and Reconciliation: What if We ...: The id Post: Truth and Reconciliation: What if We Tried That He... : by Irene Daniel As Nelson Mandela lies in state this week, I have bee...
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