by Irene Daniel
Last week I received an overwhelmingly positive response to my piece about my personal experience with anxiety and depression. It made my birthday even more special than it already was, and I thank all of you who expressed your loving support for sharing some of my darkest moments.
This week, even though there is so much happening in the world that I care about and want to write about, I choose to offer a few more words about my experience in darkness. However, rather than just sharing horror stories (I think we all have plenty of those), I want to shed some light on all that darkness, and talk about what works for me, and what doesn't. I have no illusions about creating some kind of movement or program or religion. (We have plenty of those too.) I have no "magic" answer to anyone's woes. All I have is my experience, and at this time, I believe that it may be valuable to you or someone you know.
First and foremost, I have to say that I am just lucky that my appetitive and addictive nature first manifested itself in something that was actually good for me; and that is reading. (Actually, I think my first addiction was food and reading was second -- just to keep it honest here.) My love for the printed word, which led to a love for writing, manifested itself early, even before my first day of school. So, I am lucky in this respect, for my love for reading and knowledge enabled me to get a stellar education -- all the way to UCLA Law School.
More importantly though, is the fact that I have kept a personal journal since I was 19 years old. Every year around my birthday, I randomly choose one to read. This year, I happened to choose the one that recorded my first year of law school. What a terrifying time! And when I revisit my past experiences, my journals remind me of what I have already overcome in my life, with fewer resources and less self-confidence than my current state. Journaling has provided me with, not only a manner in which to record my life experiences, but a very personal and honest mirror reflecting my own strength back to me.
Okay, maybe you're not a writer. Maybe English was your worst subject. No matter. What I have found to be a universal truth is that everyone, and I mean EVERY SINGLE PERSON has something special and unique to offer that is theirs alone. I can say this because I know that my father, with whom I had no contact after age 11, and never made it past 3rd grade, had a special gift for fixing things. Even my mother would admit that throughout their marriage, she never had to call a handy-man or a plumber or an electrician or a carpenter, for anything. My dad could fix it and/or make it work. That was his gift. And even though I often feel robbed of his gentle presence in my life, I am glad that he was able to use his gifts to improve his station in life, from sweeping out the machine shop at Magma Copper, to operating equipment, and always improving himself. Everyone has a gift. No exceptions. Find yours, whatever it is. Even if it doesn't make you a millionaire, even if it is a hobby or past-time, find your specialness. It is there.
I do realize, however, that finding your talent may be difficult, or even impossible, when you are swimming in darkness. This darkness may manifest in many ways that deprive us of our ability to see ourselves for who we truly are. Addiction, depression and hopelessness make it difficult to find the light. Even though I was very gifted in language arts, there were many times in my life that I could not see it, could not manifest success therefrom. I self-medicated with alcohol, drugs, sex, education, money, prestige. None of it was ever enough because I was never enough without those things. None of that ever fixed me. I kept wanting it to, but it never did. No matter how much education or money I had, it was never enough because I wasn't enough. Period. Full stop.
So, let's start with simple daily life. This is what works for me. It might not work for you, and if that is the case that does not mean that you are hopeless, or in any way "less than." You reading this -- YOU ARE SPECIAL!! And you are worthy of good self-care. So let's start there. The following is a list of things I do to maintain a sense of serenity and peace each day.
1. Good self-care: For me, this includes a daily appreciation of my person by engaging in the following:
a. Basic Hygiene -- This may seem simple, but for someone who has spent days living in the same pair of sweats and a t-shirt, without bathing or even brushing my teeth and washing my face, it's not as simple as it sounds. This is a very common experience for those afflicted. If you recognize yourself here, take a shower and clean up a bit. You'll feel better.
b. Diet -- I don't mean counting calories, or cutting out sweets and fats, although these are not good for you when taken in excess. This is just about eating protein, green and yellow vegetables and drinking plenty of water. Maybe you don't like vegetables. Find one that you do like. When my son was a child, I never made him eat food that he really didn't like, but I made a deal with him on vegetables. If I was serving a vegetable with which he was unfamiliar, he had to at least try it. If he didn't like it, he could have a raw carrot, which he loved. Surely, you can think of at least one thing that's good for you that you like. You are worth the healthy diet you feed yourself. Invest in you!
c. Exercise -- Even taking a 20-30 minute walk every day is helpful. When I was in law school I ran 20-30 miles a week. My stress level was so high at that time that it warranted this extraordinary amount of running. These days, I do some basic exercises a few times a week and take my dog for a 30 minute walk at least once a day, sometimes twice. Do what you can. Start from where you are and know that you are investing energy in your own well-being.
2. Spiritual Ritual -- I realize that this may be challenging for some of us who are, plainly and simply, just pissed-off at God; as well as non-believers. Well, I've been there. I was brought up to be a good Mexican Catholic girl. It didn't hold. From my first Catechism class, I had more questions than answers. However, I never stopped searching for a Spiritual answer. I never found it until I created my own daily ritual which includes all of the findings of my Spiritual quest. This includes liberal use of Hail Marys, 12-step readings, Scripture from various disciplines, the Tao and journaling. This is what I have created that works for me. Find your way to connect to your soul, for it is the only part of you that lives forever.
3. Have Fun -- Whatever makes you laugh or smile, whether it's a funny old movie, a good book, hanging out with friends, riding a bike, whatever. You deserve to be happy and loved.
4. Stay Connected -- This may be the most important activity of all. I tend to be really bad at this. I like solitude, which in and of itself is not a bad thing. But when I am swimming in the darkness of depression, I can go for a long time without returning phone calls or correspondence. Those who know me well, are lovingly patient with me in this regard. Sometimes I have to make a real effort to pick up the 500 pound telephone. When I do, I am always relieved and grateful. I feel whole knowing that I am loved, and in order for people to express their love, I need to show up for myself. Moreover, it is really a blessing to be loved by someone, and a double-blessing to show them how much their love matters to you. Like I said, I need to work at this one. But I know that I am worth the effort.
These are just a few examples of what works for me. And if one of these practices doesn't get me out of my funk, I go to another tool, and another and another; until I get relief. My life-long Spiritual quest has provided me with many arrows in my quiver to draw out and direct at the darkness that surrounds me at times. I am happy to have an opportunity to share them, for then they multiply in the relief they bring.
Maybe you have a particular practice that you would like to share with me and/or others. Please do. I am insatiably curious about everything.
It really all comes down to loving one's self. I have spent many precious hours yelling at myself in the mirror when I was unhappy. I don't do that anymore.
Whatever it is that I have to do to be happy, whatever effort, inconvenience, embarrassment or expense, I will use one or multiple tools that I have learned, to find that light.
I am worth it -- and so are you!
Irene Daniel Copyright 2014 All rights reserved
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