How We Decide: A Personal Story of Choice

by Irene Daniel

About 34 years ago, I made the most profound and challenging decision of my entire life. I was pregnant, unmarried, emotionally immature and unprepared, Catholic and confused.  I was enrolled in a local community college, but had not yet earned my college and law degrees. Even though I was on the pill and in a committed relationship with my baby’s father (who I’ll call Bob), our love was still fresh and new, and relatively untested. I wasn’t sure if I could rely upon Bob to be there for me or our child.

I was very lucky in that Bob and I discussed this matter very openly and honestly. He wanted the baby, and said he would be there as a father, regardless of the long-term status of our union. What he said next I realize now is one of the greatest examples of respect that I’ve ever experienced. He told me that, even though he wanted this baby, he would defer to me to make the final decision because it was I who had to carry and deliver the child, as well as assume a lifetime of responsibilities, limitations and physical and emotional changes that he did not have to experience. I will always respect and love this man as a true friend for being so far ahead of his time, and for honoring me with such human decency and respect.

After much talking, crying, praying and contemplation, I made my choice. I called Planned Parenthood and made an appointment to terminate my unplanned pregnancy. Even though I felt emotionally and morally conflicted at times, I was not certain that I could provide my child with all the things that I didn’t get, and that contributed to the family dysfunction that I had lived in all of my life. I did not want to share generations of dysfunction with this new being, and didn’t think I had anything else to offer to a child. I didn’t want my baby to have the kind of childhood that I had had, and since I did not know at the time how to see past it, I thought the most responsible thing to do was to save this child from the abandonment and abuse that I had suffered, and that seemed to me, almost inevitable. This is why I was on the pill at the time, a fact that I felt justified the therapeutic abortion.

In talking to the people at Planned Parenthood, I never experienced any kind of pressure to choose one way or another. There was only a profound professionalism and compassionate tone that made me feel safe and unashamed. This was a very empowering experience for me.

When the day came, however, I found that this was really not the right choice for me, in this particular circumstance; and not out of guilt or shame, but rather because of what I had learned in the process of examining all my choices. I had to have enough emotional courage to admit that I was not alone. I knew I would need help, and this would invite emotional intimacy with others, especially my baby; and that maybe it was time to open my heart, which especially at that time, was very closed and cold.

Moreover, I realized that, since Bob had confessed his unwillingness to impose something so permanent upon me, perhaps I should consider his wishes more carefully, and give them more weight than my insecurities and dysfunctional history. By going through this very personal, emotional, and life-changing process, I learned a lot about myself, and especially about my partner. In so doing, I came to realize that my fears for this child needn’t become reality; and that we could create a new reality for our new family.

When I picked up the phone to cancel my appointment, my voice was breaking and I almost burst into tears. I was barely able to say the words, “I don’t think I’m going to be able to keep my appointment today,” as I spoke through muffled sobs. I will never forget the response I received from the woman on the other end of the line. I could actually hear the compassionate and knowing smile in her voice. Yes, she understood and wished me and my baby well, from everyone at Planned Parenthood. She also reminded me that they would always be available for any present and future needs I may have, and invited me to call anytime I needed them.

Fortunately for me, I have never again needed or used the services of Planned Parenthood. I have no idea who the women were who talked to me on the phone, but I do know that they made a lasting impression on me, and the memory of their professionalism and compassion sustains me still.

I share this story because I think it is important for women who have had abortions, or even thought about having one, to honor ourselves and one another by releasing us all from any sense of shame for exercising our legal choices, regardless of whatever choice is made. I think it is also important for Americans to understand that being pro-choice is not about promoting sex with no consequences. Many women have conceived while using some method of birth control. Other than abstinence, no method is fool-proof.

But even if a pregnancy is the result of carelessness, the consequences are visited most profoundly, directly, immediately and eternally upon the woman, for an act of both partners. Accordingly, it should forever be her right to choose what is appropriate for her own physical person. Our bodies are the first and most sacred of all that we will ever own. I share this story as an example of one fortunate woman who, at a very confusing time in her life, was surrounded by people, especially her mate, who never questioned this very basic fact of life.

I am glad I changed my mind. But you see, it was my choice, my decision to take all the emotional risks necessary to become a mother. And those in my life who loved me, supported me in my leap of faith. It was through the process of decision-making that I discovered who I really was in that moment; for all decision-making is a process. And when we deny these choices, these intimate decisions that are rightfully our own to anyone, then we deny them this very important and infinitely personal journey of self-discovery. This denial is the most un-American thing we can do. It is unbelievable to me that these sacred choices are now the topic of political fodder once again! How did we get here? This is something I thought that we could all take for granted by the time I became a grandmother. And yet, here we are again.

I was blessed to deliver a healthy, beautiful son, who is still the first delight of my life. I have shared this story with him for several reasons. First, I would not want him to hear this story from anyone else because it is not a secret and I am not ashamed of exercising my legal right to choose. I don’t want him to be afraid or ashamed of any part of his life, or how it came to be. He knows he wasn’t planned, but he was not an accident either. He was wanted and welcomed and loved every day of his life.

But the most important reason I tell my son this story, is to honor his father and his courageous, yet empowering surrender. I want him to be proud of his father, who has always wanted him, and assumed most of the responsibilities of raising him as I pursued my education. I want him to know of this personal example in his own life, of how to respect and honor women.

I asked permission from my son and his father before posting this story. It is their story and their privacy too. Even though Bob and I are long since parted, I am glad for all that he brought to my life, most especially our son, our beautiful baby, who we chose to bring into this world together. For all of our ups and downs and learning curves, we will always be family. And that is a very good thing.

I chose to have a family. I chose to open my heart. I chose to take this risk and take on the responsibility of parenthood. I am not a perfect parent. Who is? But, parenthood was something I chose, not something imposed upon me by fate, or by a society still largely governed by men. Men who, unlike Bob, cannot see past themselves enough to respect the women of this country to make the choices they see fit regarding the most personal and profound aspects of our lives.

I will always support Planned Parenthood because I will always be grateful to this organization for being supportive and compassionate at a time when I needed it most. And I will always be grateful that I was afforded a legal choice that was respected by those close to me, as well as my community. I want my granddaughters to have this same choice. I hope they don’t have to fight for it still, when they become grandmothers.