Irreconcilable Differences: It's More Than A Box You Check

by Irene Daniel

I practiced Family Law for over 20 years in California. I have filed numerous petitions on behalf of my many clients. On the second page of the Petition for Dissolution of Marriage is a list of boxes to check to inform the court of the reason that an Order of Dissolution is necessary. The box most often checked is that which reads: Irreconcilable Differences. After all these years, I am now intimately familiar with what these words really mean.

My husband and I are splitting up, and have had our house up for sale for over a month now. Still no takers. The first week-end that we had an Open House, we were ready to sell the house, cash checks and be on our individual merry ways. Since the house didn't sell right away, as we had totally anticipated, we've had more time to reflect and think, and re-think. We even talked about taking the house off the market and trying to stay together.

We don't hate each other. My husband is not a bad man. In fact, in many measurable ways, he is a very good man. What happens to him will always matter to me. We spent 13 years together, 8 of them married, and built a home and a life together, here in Los Angeles. I will miss all of it, and him.

When we discussed all of our options, and the consequences thereof, it became clear to both of us that our union could not survive its recent damage. Things could not be undone, and words could not go unsaid. Too much had changed. We just don't want the same things anymore. We did at one time, and too much has changed since then.

As much as I am tempted to lament and find fault, with one or both of us, I simply cannot entertain either of those options. I choose to look at my one and only marriage ever -- and I waited until I was in my 50s -- as a smashing success.

When we decided to join our lives together, we talked about the foundation upon which our home life would be built. There were 2 essential elements: a Spiritual foundation, and family. We wanted to create a haven, a respite from all family drama and trauma. And we succeeded in providing just that for our children and grandchildren -- until we couldn't any longer.

Our Spiritual foundation became shaking after my husband lost a son, my step-son, at the age of 23. Just a baby, really. And I began to change too. Gradually, we drifted apart Spiritually, but still found a foundation for staying together in the love of our families. When family became something dreaded, rather than welcome in our home, our entire foundation seemed to crumble.

So, when we talked about staying together, I think we were both just sharing a loss that we both lamented, more than advancing a new way forward. I am grateful that we could be honest with one another and admit that, for whatever reason, we had both lost the capacity to be a comfort to one another. Honesty is loving, when gently delivered.

The emotional and Spiritual cavern between us has grown too vast, and the distance between our hearts too great, to believe that a sustainable bridge between that abyss can ever be even imagined, much less built.

Sometimes letting go is the most loving thing to do. I suppose that's what "Irreconcilable Differences," really means.



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